Top 10 Funniest Bible Verses … Ever!

As promised, we’ve put together a list of funny Bible verses. What better way to start off your week? So here are the Top 10 Funniest Bible Verses (IMHO).

10. Is your wife a drip? Proverbs 27:15.

A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day. – Proverbs 27:15 NIV

9. A dog eating his vomit, how gross! Proverbs 31:6

As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly. – Proverbs 31:6 NIV (also see 2 Peter 2:22)

8. Wake me up gently, or I will get up on the wrong side of the bed. Proverbs 27:14.

He who blesses his friend with a loud voice, rising early in the morning, it will be counted a curse to him. – Proverbs 27:14 NKJV

7. Don’t get pissy with the new king! 1 Kings 16:11.

And it came to pass, when he began to reign, as soon as he sat on his throne, that he slew all the house of Baasha: he left him not one that pisseth against a wall, neither of his kinsfolks, nor of his friends.  -1 Kings 16:11 KJV

6. Don’t make fun of the bald guy, you might become dinner for a bear. 2 Kings 2:23-24.

As he was walking along the road some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. “Go on up, you baldhead!” they said. “Go on up, you baldhead!” He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the LORD. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths. – 2 Kings 2:23-24 NIV

5. I would much rather have egg on my face, how about you? Malachi 2:3.

Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces. – Malachi 2:3 KJV

4. Have a drink, you’re just going to die anyway. Proverbs 31:6

Give beer to those who are perishing, wine to those who are in anguish. – Proverbs 31:6 NIV

3. When pigs fly, uh, I mean when donkeys talk. Numbers 22:28-30.

Then the LORD opened the mouth of the donkey, and she said to Balaam, “What have I done to you, that you have struck me these three times?” And Balaam said to the donkey, “Because you have abused me. I wish there were a sword in my hand, for now I would kill you!” So the donkey said to Balaam, “Am I not your donkey on which you have ridden, ever since I became yours, to this day? Was I ever disposed to do this to you?” And he said, “No.” – Numbers 22:28-30 NKJV

2. Talk about embarassing! Or is it em-bare-assing? 2 Samuel 10:4.

Therefore Hanun took David’s servants, shaved off half of their beards, cut off their garments in the middle, at their buttocks, and sent them away. – 2 Samuel 10:4 NKJV

1. The Number 1 Funniest Bible Verse is: God can be a real pain in the rear! 1 Samuel 5:9.

The hand of the LORD was against the city with a very great destruction; and He smote the men of the city, both small and great, and they had hemorrhoids in their secret parts. – 1 Samuel 5:9 21st Century King James Version

And to add insult to injury, in order to truly repent and make amends, the Philistines were required to make sculptures of their hemorroids out of gold!

Then said they, “What shall be the trespass offering which we shall return to him?” They answered, “Five golden hemorrhoids and five golden mice, according to the number of the lords of the Philistines; for one plague was on you all and on your lords.  Therefore ye shall make images of your hemorrhoids and images of your mice that mar the land, and ye shall give glory unto the God of Israel. Perhaps he will lighten his hand from you and from your gods and from your land. – 1 Samuel 6:4-5 21st Century King James Version

We hope you had a good laugh with these! If we missed any other funny Bible verses please leave a comment or submit your Bible quotes here.


Comments

Top 10 Funniest Bible Verses … Ever! — 17 Comments

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  2. robin williams is funny .

    this is not.

    i did’nt even come close to laughing at these.

    ..most are actually quite disturbing!

  3. are u kidding me this is funny shit the bible is retarted if u think its not funny ur probs a bible humper or have no good sense of humore….. praise jebus lol

  4. Our youth will love this! Thank you for a great conversation starter. And the fact that one of our adult volunteers (my husband) is near bald will make it that much more fun for the teens.

  5. Awesome! And about the funny bald head Bible verse, I’m laughing just thinking about the kids and your husband, especially when you read about what happens to the kids after they make fun of the prophet – beware of she bears!

  6. Yes. The hemerroids story is a favorite. I actually liked that Cartoon History of the Universe illustrated it complete with the art work.

  7. Hilarious. I was enjoying these nuggets I’ve missed in my scriptures. Then I looked some up & realized you had the scripture reference on some completely wrong. Not so hilarious.

  8. Ezekiel 23:19-20

    Yet she turned to even greater prostitution, remembering her youth when she was a prostitute in Egypt.
    She lusted after lovers with genitals as large as a donkey’s and emissions like those of a horse.

  9. Oh boy! Yes, that is quite a verse to read…not quite G rated but in the Bible. Thanks for contributing, it did cause me to pause, and then giggle. The King James version is a not as uncomfortable, because when you read the old English you’re not really sure what it means. The NIV doesn’t mince words, Lord have mercy :-).

    Yet she multiplied her whoredoms, in calling to remembrance the days of her youth, wherein she had played the harlot in the land of Egypt.
    For she doted upon their paramours, whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses.

  10. Hey I am a christian and I don’t see these very funny and the prostitute Verse that really not appropriate

  11. How is it inappropriate? It’s in the Bible, plain as day. How dare you accuse God’s word of being inappropriate. It was inspired by the Good Lord and He obviously thought those generous dimensions were quite pertinent details of the lesson. You see, the Lord delights in poetic similes such as “hung like a donkey” and “came like a horse” because He’s not hung up about petty matters of sexuality like the repressed masses are. How such a funny guy could have such humorless followers, I’ll never understand.

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